Download E-books Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why it Often Sucks in the City, or Who are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me? PDF

By Jen Lancaster

Jen Lancaster hates to burst your satisfied little bubble, yet lifestyles within the large urban isn't all it's cracked as much as be. opposite to what you notice on television and within the video clips, so much urbanites aren't party-hopping in slinky clothes and strappy stilettos. yet fortunate for us, Lancaster is aware how one can make the lifetime of the reduce crust mercilessly humorous and infinitely pleasing.

no matter if she's reporting impolite pals to fatherland defense, harboring a overwhelm on her supermarket clerk, or fighting-and losing-the conflict of the Stairmaster- Lancaster explores how foolish, unusual, and not-so-fabulous actual urban residing might be. And if a person doesn't love it, they could kiss her monstrous, fats, purple, puffy down parka.

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Giggle at me all you will want, yet it is a boundary I won’t willingly move. ) besides, i used to be sitting at the mattress folding laundry, staring at Fox information whereas Fletch used the mug off the main bedroom. Maisy, having came across herself by myself for 13 seconds and deeming this totally unacceptable, charged up the steps with such pace that she couldn’t cease herself whilst she reached the summit, hence exploding open the lavatory door situated 8 toes away, like a small, corn-chip-scented cannonball. And there he used to be, Fletcher in all his mystical glory, pants round his ankles, big name journal in his fingers, examining a piece of writing on Nick and Jessica whereas nature and the entire fiber in our diets took its path. Our eyes locked with the type of paralyzed horror one thief may have whilst bumping into one other thief, discovering themselves within the awkward, unlucky place of getting damaged into an identical domestic whilst. i used to be the 1st to react by way of shrieking and pulling the covers over my head whereas Maisy bounced from side to side among the rest room and the mattress, extremely joyful to have united us all within the adventure. while the screaming on either components ultimately subsided, I stumbled around the room, eyes clamped close, and lightly closed the door. we will by no means communicate of this back, he and that i. but the picture may be burned into my retinas for eternity. carry me. Jen P. S. Am no longer a drama queen. Am traumatized. Tuesday Afternoon ingesting membership In my former, auspicious profession I addressed crowds of millions with no breaking a sweat. I negotiated with dour, gray-suited clinic directors so antagonistic they’d drag me into the desolate tract and depart me for lifeless given the chance, but I stood my flooring in difficult they settle for my company’s agreement, “Or else. ” And I’ve guided company executives in the course of the such a lot dire of crises with a grin on my face the whole time. So you’d imagine speaking to a kindly health practitioner within the privateness of her place of work wouldn’t be yet a blip on my radar. And that may be real. If I have been donning pants. at the present time I’ve received an appointment with the girlie physician and I’m not anything lower than terrified. I’ve eliminate my annual well-woman examination for 4 years simply because I’m so cowardly approximately this kind of factor, without doubt stemming from my Quaker-like experience of modesty. definite, it’s all good and sturdy to muddle my conversations with each number of f-bomb, [“Fucktard” being my all-time favourite. ] but if it involves displaying my unmentionables to a whole stranger? despite her impeccable scientific schooling, broad event, and board certification? i feel no longer. although, I’m relatively attempting to act extra like an grownup in recent years, [Other makes an attempt contain paying debts rather than stuffing them in a cupboard and less Pepperidge Farm–based dinners. ] so I strength myself to make the appointment. in fact, i need to down a complete bottle [Read field. ] of wine to take action. after which I cancel it 3 times earlier than Fletch, disgusted via my loss of braveness, threatens to (a) drag me to the appointment on a leash like we need to once we take Loki to the vet to have his nails clipped, and (b) fee me into the Betty Ford middle if I don’t cease breathing in boxed wine each time i glance on the mobilephone.

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